Push, Push, Push, Push!!

NO news from my inbox this morning. I kept waiting to post, hoping that someone might be working late (well, they ARE behind, HELLO!) and maybe, maybe, maybe we would get good news. Sigh.

As I lay in bed thinking of 8,000 different things, I was reminded of my labor for Austin's birth. At the time, I thought 14 hours of labor (AND the meds in my epidural ran out AND the doc and nurse had another emergency and left the delivery room and didn't return until 10 minutes before Austin was born!!) was difficult - - and it was - - but without a doubt, this is harder.

But I had the sense that I'm at the point in this crazy adoption process where I just need to "push, push, push, push" just like I did through labor. I can still hear my sweet friend Suzie and Shawn saying those words in my ear as we labored to get Austin here. It isn't easy, but the end result is SO very sweet....

As an aside, I re-connected last night with a friend who's daughter and son-in-law are also adopting from Vietnam. The have the referral of their baby girl who will - sadly - have her first birthday this week without them. My thoughts and prayers go out to M & J in NYC. She also posts to chronicle her adoption journey - MUCH more eloquently than me (she is an attorney, after all) - and I hope she won't mind if I copy some of her most recent post here. Her words felt as if they were coming from my soul:

"...Not usually one to share my emotional load, I've learned to lean on my friends and family, to share with them the endless ups and downs of this wild ride (that is, they've listened to a whole lot of venting and wailing and possibly some whining), and we've become immeasurably closer as a result. I've also gotten to know people I never would have met otherwise, friends I've never seen in person, but without whom I now I can't imagine living (you know who you are!). I've seen families form and expand and solidify, and watched through the magical Internet as so many children have transformed in the loving care of their new parents.

I've also been compelled to explore and deepen my religious faith, to trust in God even when I'm in the depths of despair in this often arduous process. Though I've always had a reasonably strong faith (I'm usually very private about religion, as I'm hyper-conscious about not wanting to make anyone feel uncomfortable or excluded), I had never fully appreciated what a relief it is to give yourself over to your faith, to trust that God (or whatever your higher power might be) will not let you fall, and that He has everything worked out for you, so while you do have to make choices and grapple with the questions themselves and live your daily life, you don't have to suffer or figure it all out alone. You know, "let go and let God" and all that stuff, which sounds terribly banal but in practice has gotten me through a lot of very dark days.

(All that AND I've bought a whole lot of really cute clothes. And also toys. And books. One can't discount the healing power of purchasing baby things.)

(There has also been substantial chocolate consumption.)

I guess my point here, assuming I actually have one and that I'm not going to ramble on like a deranged Oscar winner for the rest of the night, is that Noelle has given me so much more than I ever expected in her short life. I've always known that our lives would grow exponentially when we met her, that holding her in my arms would be the gift of a lifetime, but I never imagined how much I would be changed by her even before that moment.

So, baby girl, for your first birthday (just a day away!), I am celebrating you and your life, and all of the beauty you have brought into our lives. Your light shines on everyone who sees you; you cannot imagine how many people are praying for you, thinking of you and wanting only the best for you. I am so thrilled to be your mother, to love you and comfort you and support you forever, and watch you grow into what I know will be an amazing woman. We can't wait to put our arms around you and kiss your sweet face, and share with you all of the love in the world.

Happy birthday..."